My Secret

I’ve been laying in bed, in silence, trying to sleep. My secret is that tonight is the first time I tried to sleep without the TV on, since my mom died in December. If the TV is on, I can fall asleep listening to someone talk, and I don’t have to listen to the voice in my head. It’s now 4:45 AM, and I’m wide awake. It’s also my day off, so I’m going to end up spending the whole day sleeping. The more I try not to cry, the harder I cry. Of course the person I can talk to isn’t around, he left on a cruise, and won’t be back until next week.

Grief. Until you’re in it, you forget what it feels like. Heavy. That’s how I’d describe it. it feels like it’s pulling you down, while it’s sitting on top of you.

I guess I’ll turn the TV back on. I made t four hours, maybe next time I’ll try for five.

Advertisements

Lessons

• You can’t make someone want to be with you.

• Love isn’t always enough.

• Relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re 100/100.

• You don’t have to expect someone to change, but they should want to compromise.

• It’s hard to accept the decision if it wasn’t your choice

• Forgive them, and yourself.

• People will let you down, because they’re not perfect.

• Love and trust go hand-in-hand.

• You can only control other person, but you can control how you react in any situation.

• Pain doesn’t last forever.

Why

I got to actually talk to Tav last night, and I always forget how much I miss hearing his voice, until I hear it. Don’t even get me started on his dreamy accent, and incredible forearms. 😍😍 I feel as if when we go long periods between speaking, that I just wanted to hear him, listen to him talk about what’s going on in his world, and that doesn’t leave time for other ‘activities’, so by the time we can get to them, he has to go, or it’s getting to be way past my bedtime. So that part of our relationship is suffering. Mostly, that’s my fault; I have to make the first move, I’m afraid to, not because I fear rejection, but because I know he’s going to ask for something and I’m not going to be able to comply.

I understand why, but I need Tav to understand why. I can’t get out of my own head. I go way out of my way to not embarrass myself, so I feel like I can’t do certain things. I want to, but that stupid voice in my head won’t be quiet. Last night he asked for something, and I think because he said it nonchalantly, while I was talking, and I’m almost positive he didn’t think I had heard him, and even if I did, I wasn’t going to do it. The look of shock, and surprise on his face, when I just did it was priceless. I wish I could have captured that moment on video for posterity. He could see the struggle in my face, my demeanor, while I thought that I was hiding it well. Not so much. Then he asked for more, and I couldnt do it. He got ten seconds. I told him next time maybe he’ll get twenty.

I envy people who can just submit without any doubts or feelings of being inadequate. I told him that I feel like I’m on a deadline, and if I don’t meet it, I’ll be fired. He assures me I’m not, but I cannot help how I feel. And this is causing a lot of stress in my day-to-day life. I want to submit, it makes me feel good, and there’s not much better than pleasing your Dom. (He called me babygirl a few days ago, which is something he hadn’t called me before, and my body responded appropriately. Today something similar happened, and I had to stop thinking about it because I was close to slipping into sub space.) I just know I need to figure this out, and soon.

· His brat

I love doing things for you

I need to be more spontaneous, and do things for Tav, that are unexpected, but I also have some rules to follow, No sexual playing without my permission; also no cumming in the midst of our play time without permission. If I want to cum, and Tav isn’t around, I have to video it. Previously, I didn’t like making videos, so the thought of making a video, wasn’t even in my stratosphere. Until today. There’s just something about submitting to him, even when he doesn’t know that I’m doing it, that makes me very happy. I love to please him. Love it. So, I made the video, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. It felt good to do that for him; I hope he has some time to watch it today, and that he feels as good about my submission as I do.

Now I have to think of other things that I can do for him, without him having to tell me. We have different love languages; mine is words, and his are actions.

· His brat

Doubts

Sometimes I have doubts about this relationship. It’s hard to be eleven hours apart. It’s hard to see how I can fit into his hectic, crazy, busy life. I always thought I packed a lot into a day, but Tav puts me to shame. I feel guilty if he asks what I’m doing, and I tell him I’m chilling with one, of both of my kids. When I’m feeling especially disconnected from him, I really miss him. We don’t make enough time for each other to video, because it’s difficult to coordinate with schedules, and time zones. So something we did almost daily, has now turned into once every ten days, or more.

I know I don’t have a right to complain because I signed up for this. I also don’t want to make Tav feel bad, or think that I blame him, because I don’t. At all. I just miss him, his voice, his laugh, the way he folds his arms, and leans back in his chair, when I’ve exasperated him. All the things that make me love him.

It’s also not as if we don’t communicate at all, we do. It’s just via text, which isn’t optimal, since it’s hard to get a feel for tone, via written words. But I’ll take anything I can get, and I still love the connection that we have. When I’m having doubts, I tell him I miss him, and that I love him. I always want him to know that. I’m in this for the long term, and I won’t allow the time difference to come between us.

Is there anything better than someone telling you they love you?

· His brat

Thank you, Tav

• For appreciating me.

• For wanting to talk about things that are bothering us. Then moving past them once resolved.

• For making me a priority.

• For being you.

• For making me a better sub, and more importantly, a better person.

• For telling me to go to bed when I’m up late. (Then telling me to nap when I have a chance because you worry about me.)

• For loving me.

His brat

Life’s a beach

I took my teen and her two friends to the beach yesterday. (Can I just tell you how incredibly loud three fifteen-year-olds are? They have two volumes, trying to be heard over a stadium full of people, and sonic boom loud.)

Tav, being the Dom that he is who loves to push my boundaries, gave me this task: “Task for today…I want you to take a sneaky, in public, revealing photo for me. Not revealing to anyone else obviously. 😛” I love a good challenge, but I was also nervous because the beach is crowded, I’m with my daughter and her friends. How can I get that kind of picture? I love the creativity of Tav’s task. They’re never simple, they push me, make me think, be creative, and challenge me.

I had one thing on my side – it was a cool day outside, so I didn’t even take off my tank top and shorts. I was nervous, but I wanted to do this for him, for us. I’m trying hard to just do what he asks, and not question or push back. I had to wait until the girls weren’t around, and no one around me was paying attention to anything I was doing. I brought my e-reader with me, so I used the cover as a shield to take the pic. (I wasn’t trying to get arrested.) I snapped the pic quickly, sent it to Tav, (who was blissfully sleeping) and deleted the evidence from my phone. What a rush! It was like sneaking out of the house when you’re a teen, and making it back home without anyone noticing.

Not only was that rush of excitement fun, but doing the task, no questions asked, not doubting myself, or getting into my own head, and telling myself, “This is crazy, you can’t do this!”, made the task even better. It fed my sub soul do just do the task, as put before me. As good as it feels to please him, it feels even better to hear my two favorite words: good girl.

Now I need to figure out the way to wear the least amount of clothes possible, because SPF 45 wasn’t enough on a cool, cloudy day, and Rock Lobster comes to mind when I look in the mirror.

• His brat