I got to actually talk to Tav last night, and I always forget how much I miss hearing his voice, until I hear it. Don’t even get me started on his dreamy accent, and incredible forearms. 😍😍 I feel as if when we go long periods between speaking, that I just wanted to hear him, listen to him talk about what’s going on in his world, and that doesn’t leave time for other ‘activities’, so by the time we can get to them, he has to go, or it’s getting to be way past my bedtime. So that part of our relationship is suffering. Mostly, that’s my fault; I have to make the first move, I’m afraid to, not because I fear rejection, but because I know he’s going to ask for something and I’m not going to be able to comply.
I understand why, but I need Tav to understand why. I can’t get out of my own head. I go way out of my way to not embarrass myself, so I feel like I can’t do certain things. I want to, but that stupid voice in my head won’t be quiet. Last night he asked for something, and I think because he said it nonchalantly, while I was talking, and I’m almost positive he didn’t think I had heard him, and even if I did, I wasn’t going to do it. The look of shock, and surprise on his face, when I just did it was priceless. I wish I could have captured that moment on video for posterity. He could see the struggle in my face, my demeanor, while I thought that I was hiding it well. Not so much. Then he asked for more, and I couldnt do it. He got ten seconds. I told him next time maybe he’ll get twenty.
I envy people who can just submit without any doubts or feelings of being inadequate. I told him that I feel like I’m on a deadline, and if I don’t meet it, I’ll be fired. He assures me I’m not, but I cannot help how I feel. And this is causing a lot of stress in my day-to-day life. I want to submit, it makes me feel good, and there’s not much better than pleasing your Dom. (He called me babygirl a few days ago, which is something he hadn’t called me before, and my body responded appropriately. Today something similar happened, and I had to stop thinking about it because I was close to slipping into sub space.) I just know I need to figure this out, and soon.
· His brat